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Warzone XX compilaton

18/09/09  ||  Daemonomania

Given the massive popularity of my first compilation review, I’ve decided to give my adoring fans a second chance to bask in the glory of decimating insight and eviscerating wit. This time Mr. DaEMO has bit off a bit more than he can chew, however. My tolerance for shitty metal may once have been pretty high. No longer. Every orifice of my body feels violated, like I was a buxom Japanese schoolgirl who wandered too close to a tentacle monster. But it ain’t Japan we’re talking about here, oh no, this compilation is from Greece. No offense is intended to anyone from that fair birthplace of democracy and the nude Olympics. No wait. I definitely mean to offend the members of each and every act who contributed to this awful compilation. When it said Greek metal up your ass! on the cover, I didn’t know they meant literally.

Medieval Death: “Moment of silence”. Oh how I wish this track was what it promised to be. Instead I get many many moments of non-silence-based boring hard rock/metal riffs with some warbling via that big haired fuckbag from The Cure. Or at least his Mediterranean cousin. Bad production sprays the last diarrhea spurt on the shit nachos. An ominous start to the proceedings. What they were going for: Complete and utter crappola. What they got: Success beyond their wildest dreams. 0/10

Deceptor: “White fatal lady”. Someone must have told the lead singer of this olive and feta salad that he sounded like Rob Halford. That motherfucker was a real deal deceptor. While the music is certainly better than the last act, Mr. Sparta’s failsetto is filling all with unshakable sadness. What they were going for: “Painkiller”. What they got: “Nostradildo” outtakes. 2/10

Dream Evil: “Heavy metal in the night”. How about heavy metal in the daytime? You got a problem with that you Aristotelian motherfucker? Well, the production hath improved and the singing, disturbingly, is not making me break out in hives. Sounds a bit like the dude who sang for Yngwie on “Seventh sign”, and we all know that gets the powerboner juicy. Plus the chorus has to be heard to be believed – if you want to hear about burning axes and monster blood in the night! This is: Amazingly. Not: Terrible. 6.5/10

Draug: “A song”. Isn’t Draug the name of a black metal band? I can safely say I’d listen to the kvltiest of raccoons a billion times before ever hearing this plague upon mankind ever again. 50’s influenced pop-punk with noxious distorted vocals. May have lost some braincells back there. It’s ok, regroup, shake it off, soldier on. Draug’s Mission: To put the worst two minutes and ten seconds of music possible into digital form. And…: …their prayers to Zeus were answered! -100/10

Nemesis: “Against the past”. Fuck tha past, yo! People who say we can learn from that shit is maaad retarded kid. That aside, a halfway decent vocalist cannot save this scrap heap of used-up riffery from the compactor. What Nemesis did: Chilled, practiced, played a few shows, recorded a demo, got signed to a label. What Nemesis should have done: Had their mother’s vagina squeeze their soft skulls during birth, spraying the hospital room with brain matter. Okay, too harsh. I should have used that one for Draug. 2.5/10

Mystery: “Never ending flame”. So far the guitarwork seems passable. Yep, the drums may sound like Lars after an anti-Napster sleeping pill bender, but the rest of the band is rocking. Wait, here comes the vocals. Sigh. More generic than the drugs we Americans should all have access to. Really starting to wish all these fucks would just call it a pita (wrap) and head home. The good: Sweet riffs and solos. The bad: I could have spent six minutes and fortysomething seconds masturbating to thoughts of Bruce Cambell’s chin. 4/10

Marauder: “The Greek revolution begins”: Please, please let the Greek revolution end. We admit to oppressing the poor – now fill up that cup of hemlock and let us die! Again, fast powery metal blessed with a vocalist who imagines himself to be majestic and manly. But who is in fact gayer than Fabio’s hairstylist. The Revolution: Will certainly never be televised. 2/10

Brainfade: “Book of blood”. Praise Grecian Jesus, the track lengths have reached a more manageable four minutes. That’s about all the positive I have to say about your pals and mine in Brainfade. Competent but unimpressive fucken power metal again. There are about a million Hammerfall fans out there who would eat this shit up, I’m sure. If you’re one of them, let me know and I’ll mail “Warzone XX” to you. What, the package you received is ticking? Don’t worry about that – just open it. Awesome Greek metal up your ass awaits. What Brainfade wants: For someone, anyone, to pay attention to them. What Brainfade gets: Me, in my dark dingy room, praying for a lightning bolt. 2/10

Speedfire: “Don’t”. If one word could sum up what each and everyone one of these Warzone fucks should have done when the urge struck them to record a song, “don’t” is it. Prepare yourself for some Bon Jovi influenced cumstain with lyrics about not getting anything if you don’t try. Hey Speedmongoloid, without even trying you’ve got me hoping for a grisly death again. The pattern: So far, music that absolutely and relentlessly flosses with ball hair. Speedfire: Cheerfully gets down on their knees next to their kin. -8/10

Spitfire: “Everlasting love”. Look at the band name. Look at the song title. Come to a conclusion on your own. What I’m thinking: I must have done something truly sinful in the recent past. Why might I think that?: Because I am clearly being punished by some Mount Olympus-based being. -20/10

Clairvoyant: “The place”. This has gone from a listening experience to an endurance test. Games that children should play: Go Fish, Hopscotch, Hide and Seek. Games adults who listen to Warzone compilations should play: Russian Roulette with a fully loaded gun and Christopher Walken nowhere in sight. -5/10

Selefice: “Where is the heaven”. What a great song title. Oh, thanks be to the Isle of Lesbos, some actual growls! Even the weakest of attempts at extreme metal are met with much rejoicing at this point. The facts: This band sucks pretty bad. But it is all relative: Because the rest of the bands go beyond sucking into a realm from whence few return. 4/10

Dream Weaver: “Hands on the white”. Hands on the white what? Is this some code shit for a big cocaine buy? If so, I’m in. Anything to take my mind off the fact that the sad attempts at Halfordism have returned. Seriously, is there a massive portion of the Greek population who think that metal ended with “Screaming for vengeance”? Dream Weaver, I sincerely don’t believe you can help me through the night. Items around me I could use to kill myself: Hmmm, electric socket, pens, sharp edge of the table, bedsheets, window… I choose: To try and live so that I might tell of my glorious adventures in gyro land. -2/10

Vavel: “United”. One last parting shot from the Aegean. Slightly better than some of their fellow Crete-ins, but not GOOD by a long shot. Sounds more like a Whitesnake track than anything else. Bad keyboards and an idiotic spoken-word midsection until the final notes fade thankfully away. You wanted to visit: A peninsula where history comes alive. You ended up visiting: A PENISula (I’m on fire here) where beasts constructed of feces and olive oil consume the unwary.
1/10

Wow, that was ridiculously painful. Deck was stacked against me here though. Number 1: Not a power metal fan. Number 2: Not a fan of bad bad bad bad music. If you happen to be cold lampin’ over at the Acropolis and see a flyer for one of these bands playing locally, go to your local arms dealer. Purchase two or three grenades and an assault rifle. Go forth and KILL! The gods, and I, will praise you in epic poems forever.

  • Tracklist
  • 01 – 14. Read the fucken review, creampie.

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